My nipple is on Facebook.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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