im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
