Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
