i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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