Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
