My nipple is on Facebook.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
