You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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