Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize