Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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