I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
