that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
