Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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