Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
