you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
