I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
