i permit you to call me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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