my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
