You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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