There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
