I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
