It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize