apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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