Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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