I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
