Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Pants are for mortals
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
