I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
