so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
two words: eviction party
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
