Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Small penises have feelings too.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
