I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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