can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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