Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
