Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
