I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
