there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
