ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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