News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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