How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you had me at cake vodka
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
