what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
