he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
