Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
