6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
from now on my penis is your penis
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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