Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
