omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
