I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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