can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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