EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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