i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
They took my balls.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
