i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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