hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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