I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
