I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
