Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize