I hate your face
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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