I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
