Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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