woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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