Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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