All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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