Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
