do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
