its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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