I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
