once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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