Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm passing your future prison.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
