I just saw a hot homeless man
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
