Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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